Parenting – A Roller coaster ride

The other day, I went with my daughter for a career counselling session-  a very sound lady, senior and seasoned.

As we set, her questions made my already silent daughter even more silent. This time, this silence was pregnant too. She made my daughter think actively, and I knew she had succeeded in setting the ball on roll.

As a coach, I understand the importance of questions!- Questions with dim possibilities of having straight answers,  potent enough to stir things up-turning one an active investigator like the carrot king Karamchand or like a James Bond, on one’s inner territories. Questions that sow seeds in the hearts and minds making one think why he/s thinks, feels, believes in a certain way. The questions that work as clog-cleaners, flushing out many accumulated illusions off mind. I knew the counsellor had set things on motion, for good.  This went on for an hour and it was time to leave, with probably few answers in hand and more questions to investigate.

It stayed a fruitful session. We felt empowered to take a certain direction to navigate with clarity and baby confidence in our pocket. A good beginning I must say!

After, coming home, I went reflective.

I am a coach, my clients that I see are more women, and a handful of others including children and teenagers – my niche remains centered around emotions, confidence and empowerment coaching- I wondered, if my daughter would have considered seriously considering such questionings from me?

And the answer was a politely screaming No.

“my teen ager boasts not taking me seriously” I could hear a silent whisper within.

“Why?” I asked myself.

And my inner investigation put me on a reflective ride.  I realized, as a parent, we are unspoken
role models for our kid.  Most of us are parents without any formal training in the field, more applicable to the first child, little less for second on. Though, the wise says, each child demands updated parenting – still, little experience come as rescuer for second on, I assume. (I can only assume as I am a mother of a single child so my expertise is not personal on this matter)

So, being put on the roller coaster of parenting, we goof up- after all we are human and human are imperfect beings, striving for perfection.

And, take it as a sweet or a bitter pill- consciously or unconsciously, out of our imperfection, most of us happen to fail our image in the heart of our kids, on several occasions.

Do you remember occasions of preaching our children “Never to Lie” and on the next moment, asking our spouse to say “you are not home” over a received phone call from someone you want to avoid!

I am bringing in simplest examples, however, if we sit, we can come up with a book on unintended hypocrisies we parents play, of course unconscious as well unintesional.

I have witnessed mothers getting irritated over their kids preaching to control their irritation or taking leactures to convey one simple sentence,   “keep quiet in the public places”  in the freshen up rooms of malls/theators.

We are flawed. Kids sense that. And as they grow, they feel confused, “can I trust my parent who is preaching things they fail to follow”? and our attempts fail to help them. How much ever good intended we stay, we somehow feel blocked reaching out to them, sometimes in our ignorance, we give them labels such as – rebel, stubborn, dumb, fool, Problem child etc etc completely rubbing the accountability off our shoulders.

We all want to be the best parents, provide them with the best, then what happens actually?

As, we catch hold over this question, a bulb lights up; here stay the most probable root cause behind the troublesome roller coaster parent-child dynamics. So many of us are traumatized wounded child operating from our Adult body! Our unhealed childhood traumas unknowingly play out themselves making us live unauthentic lives.

I remember I hated the dominance my father exercised over small little me, and irony was I became a dominant mother to my daughter on various occasions! It was an eye opener for me. I would expect my teen to keep her study table neat and clean and when she refused to do it in timeline I assigned, I would lose it.  Have you observed this? What we hated the most of our parents, either we act that out over children or turn overtly cautious around. Our childhood trauma gave rise to defensive masks of perfectionist parent, or achievement demanding parents or overtly empathetic parents or emotionally absent parents, many masks but authentic selves!
This imperfection, this flaw in us, our children mirror for us. And in absence of knowing the underlying PLAY at work, we often continue having unpleasant roller coaster ride of parenthood that creates equally unpleasant breach between us and our children.

I remember so many occasions of making blunders in front of my daughter. Yes I am a coach, a therapist and a doctor, but beyond that I am a parent without any formal training in parenting, a human with my flaws, carrying a wounded child to equally wounded parents myself. Only as I dived deeper into this subject, undertook Inner child healing and Trauma healing tools to address my emotional roller coaster rides, that I realized the deeper dynamics behind these flaws I carried. I realized why my daughter’s behavior of not cleaning her desk agitated me so much– I wanted to dominate and control her which she outrighted ignored- and that triggered the wound present in my subconscious created from domination wounding.  These healing modalities helped me to acknowledge my wounds, take accountability and heal them, which reflected on my relationship dynamics with my daughter as well as others!  I am at much better station today. Yes, parenting is a life long journey and so is the inner healing work, however, with each minute inner shift, the outside impact is remarkable. I can stay more authentic to my feelings and responses.

Work in progress myself, I have realized that the awareness is the first step and next is the necessary work. We all are work in progress, and we have to humbly accept it and continue to upgrade ourselves. Respecting and accepting the flaws, instead of getting into a guilt ride, or denial mode, taking up to heal the original wound helps unquestionably.

I have come to realize, it is not people who make mistakes are flawed, it is the people who fail to acknowledge, and take accountability to work over are!

In the age of Gen Beta (most our kids being Gen Z onwards) where every new age technology demands regular updates,  that is demanded of us parents too! As human, we have entered the age of shifting universal consciousness where we are demanded to make necessary upgrades,  drop off conditioning that have been unconsciously carried by us, from our previous generations no longer serving purpose to the shifting universal consciousness and new age. Our new age generation is a part of shifting universal consciousness, and it is only when we update ourselves, we open the door to reach out to them with grace, make us available to their trust. By working on ourselves, we sure to stop create the next bunch of wounded Youngs operating in their adult bodies.

How would one know if they need update? The best available litmus test is to check the dynamics with our kids and the felt intensity of the roller coaster ride of parenthood-if it has become a cause of disturbing stress or worry – updating is needed.

Disclaimer: On updating ourselves, we won’t be full proof immune to the roller coaster ride we call parenthood, or that  adrenalin rush will stop. It is just that it will stop creating stress, worry and tensions and become a joyful adventure ride for both the involved parties.

Help are available, easily accessible. The question is are we ready to take it. Are we as Parent ready to update ourselves!

Hear out a true story of a mother who choses Updating herself: https://youtu.be/TAFl4ytJv7U?si=RgS8QFlOAgmW8bue

Understand Inner Child Healing:  https://youtu.be/BHCQGHGfYDU?si=FM9q7MKoOT7lhyqs

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